Wherefore Elves?

Or Halflings for that matter? 

Oh, wait. Tolkien. 

Look, I know that the standard array of fantasy races (dwarves, elves, halflings, orcs n goblins) have permeated a great deal of fantasy games and literature. Yes, yes, we all owe a great deal to the Oxford prof, but come on. We're allowed to outgrow our predecessors. 

I firmly believe that the inclusion of the Tolkienesque races in fantasy is a self perpetuating "sin of our fathers." Tolkien did it, it was successful and iconic so his followers did it, then their followers, etc. The fathers of role playing didn't particularly help, either, nor did the league of authors who've rolled d20s over the past 30 years.

Much like that blasted Star O' Texas, these races are all over the bloody place. Why? What do they add? Do they need to be in this or that setting? If they're included, must they be parrots of what Tolkien hath wrought? Certainly, there are plenty of examples of these races being twisted about in unexpected directions (I'm looking at you, Dark Sun), but they are, by and large, very similar to the source material.

Elves, man. Always enigmatic. Always hanging out in trees. Always immortal and beautiful and hippy dippy love ptewy. I own more than my fair share of tie dyed shirts, but, seriously guys, must every non-evil elf go out and hug a tree for Jesus? Or Corellon, or whoever? I understand that Terry Pratchett's elves are twisted as all get out, but I haven't read enough of the poor bugger's work to know. Perhaps I'll start.

The only recent retelling of elves that I found to be refreshing came from a book called . . . I don't remember. It wasn't very good. Modern urban fantasy type story. The only good parts were a wonderful depiction of a troll (a thing made of fleshy ropes that could absorb its victims) and the alps. Or the alphs. Elves in this story were terrible, horrible, evil, vicious, murderous bastards that would just as soon eat your eyes out of your face as give you the time of day. Nightmare creatures. The elves of real life folklore were often terrible monsters. The elves of Ireland, for example, were capricious villains. There's a story about how a group of them captured the hero's girlfriend, and made him undergo a trial to free her that involved him hugging the woman while she was turned into a series of awful, noisome things over and over again. If he let go, she'd be lost forever. That's . . . messed up. That'd be different. That'd be interesting.  

Dwarves are slightly different. Why? Dwarves are awesome, that's why. I, myself, am a very tall dwarf, so perhaps I'm biased. Still, the depiction is usually the same. Stalwart, dour warrior-craftsmen that build huge cities under mountains. Could use some work. I'm on it.

Halflings. These...these are a Tolkien thing. C'mon. You're a hobbit. Don't lie. By and large, I think we can do without these guys. Gnomes are more interesting, anyway. Was there an Adventures of David the halfling? No. No there was not. David the Gnome was fantastic and, pointy hat withstanding, I think gnomes are superior to those furry footed bastards in every way.*

I'm always looking for ways for making the standard races more interesting, so perhaps I'll post some ideas.

Oh, oh, oh, also!  What's with this whole crossbreeding thing? These aren't really different races so much as species, after all. And why is it that humans can only interbreed with elves? IE: The Hot ones. Fetish fuel, that's why. We wanna do the elves. That's what it boils down to. It's speciest exploitation, I tell you.

"But Creeps! What about half-orcs?" Man, don't get me started. Orcs are a complete Tolkien construct and, except for the awesome orcs/orks of Games Workshop, are terrible. As for half orcs, the exploitation is still there, but in a much darker realm. They're rape-babies, guys. Uncool. 4e can make its stupid assertion of half orcs being their own race of "mysterious origins," but we all know what's up. In any case, I don't generally dig the idea of inter species lovin' making a half breed that, itself, can breed. Doesn't make sense to me. Unless all these mystical, magical, super duper races are closer to humans than anyone would like to admit. 

Oh, hi Shadowrun.

*Can I contribute to Gnome Stew, now? :D